do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
