She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
