I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
