i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
