can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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