Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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