put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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