i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
