Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
