You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
