I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
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You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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