New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
