Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
