How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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