I skipped work to stalk him.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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