Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
