He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
