he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
