we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
