chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out