I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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