Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
