I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
