3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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