pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
