Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
