Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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