new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
