It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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