everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
