Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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