Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
