also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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