wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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