when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
