Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
