If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
