My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
