so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I stole a fireplace last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
