Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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