he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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