Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
