You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
