She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
