ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
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I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
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Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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