i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
