i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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