Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
