I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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