if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
