end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
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Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...