Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
